functioning on my default setting

how much grief can i hold within the space of a year?
i always try to let go
but i often find myself subconsciously tense
my body ready to fight the next battle

my tears have ran dry
i feel them in my chest instead
a kind of phantom pneumonia
that makes it hard to breathe

when will i get my release?
i ask the universe in vain
silence is my reply
and i sigh as if i expected something different
than the pain i have already been carrying.