after

september 24, 2019

yesterday was the first day since it happened that i was able to put my hair up in a ponytail all by myself, no help needed. i was so proud of my work that i slept with my hair half up in that haphazard messy bun and didn’t take it down until 5pm today. my fingers, not used to the movement and pressure, felt pinched as i used them to hold my scrunchie in place as i pushed my hair through the twisted gap with my other hand, which felt perfectly fine, for the record. but heck, i did it. and it looked good enough to wear out in public. a win.

other things are still hard. jars, any type of container, putting on pants, water bottle lids. and i’ve been opening tampons and other packaging with my teeth. showering has been easier than i thought, strangely. i’ve worked most things out to an odd rhythm. but old habits die hard. often times, i’m halfway though an activity i thought i could do by myself and then realize i can’t finish the task without help. for example, yesterday, while everyone was gone for church, i decided i would make myself some soup for lunch. i got the can out of the pantry, pulled back the tab on the top and discovered, in my horror, that in order to keep the can steady as i opened it i needed my other (useless) hand. otherwise the can would slide across the counter due to the lack of resistance making it impossible to open. as such, there is a half opened can of chicken and rice soup currently sitting in my refrigerator. the aluminum wrapped tamales i hadn’t noticed before this disaster made a nice substitute.

for the most part, the hardest thing isn’t the pain, the alarms for medicine, the button on my jeans, or the sling i have to wear. the hardest thing is the feeling of absolute helplessness. i know, in my brain that’s capable of logic, that i am not completely absolutely helpless, but it sure doesn’t feel like it to me. a girl as stubborn as quicksand who craves the independence only a pair of wings could give. i don’t enjoy having to hand over things to other people every time i need them opened, not being able to drive, or being in pain as i attempt to put my hair up. i can’t do hardly anything on my own.

october 7, 2019

it’s been 24 days since it happened. i still struggle with putting up my hair, opening lids, and buttoning my jeans. but today my two legs walked 30 minutes to one of my favorite coffee shops and 30 minutes back, i typed all of this out in Notion with both hands, and enjoyed a cucumber sandwich with my best friend at a newly discovered tea shop. i might not be able to do many things on my own but there is One who has done everything for me already. i need not rely on my flesh.
He is my strength, He is my hope, He is my peace.
i am not helpless because He has given me the power to walk in freedom knowing that i am His child.
during this time of pain and frustration He is creating within me something brand new.
He is making me more like Him.
and so i am thankful for this healing that sinks deeper, touching more than just a few battered fingers.